Most of the time I can handle the topics which headquarters provide us for the week’s weight loss meeting. Generally, they involve really important strategies for establishing goals and changing behaviors. Sometimes they suggest wearing “fun” outfits (bathing suits or aprons or cowboy hats) or singing a song or reciting a poem. I never do that stuff, although I can see the value of bringing some light-heartedness into the room. And I think it actually IS of great value to have a focus on the proceedings and to inject a certain level of structure and learning into each meeting. Besides, I usually dedicate 10 minutes or less to the actual topic, so we can spend the majority of time having the members talk.

The one thing I don’t like talking about, oddly, is exercise (or as we call it “Moving More!”). As Kelly says, the people who like to be active, already are. The people who don’t want to be active, aren’t going to be convinced otherwise in the course of just 10 minutes. So what’s the point?

One of my favorite things about leading meetings is that, given the proper amount of member feedback and encouragement, we can spend the entire time talking about whatever it is that’s on peoples minds that day. Where I hold meetings, it’s usually about food issues at work, strategies for eating out at restaurants, or how to deal with family members. Many is the time that I suddenly notice we’ve gone 5 minutes over the scheduled end of the meeting because people had so much to say.

This week, however, I AM going to do the exercise topic. I’m not following the suggested “olympic theme” but I am trying to get people to think about things to do that are FUN for them. My rule of thumb is “do whatever it is that puts a smile on your face; either while you’re doing it, thinking about it, or soon as you’re finished.” And if it doesn’t make you smile, find something else!

What’s ironic is that, right now, what’s making me smile is the gym. I’ve gotten into a routine of taking a couple of really hard-core exercise classes each week. I love them because they are fun, the moves are always changing, and the exercises have an impact. I can tell from the soreness in a whole range of body parts that these classes are having an effect.

As I was riding home tonight after class, I was astonished by how at ease I felt on my bike. It just felt like my body was more alive, more sensitive, more responsive. Even after 90 minutes of kicking, jumping, bending, squatting and stretching, there was just something really nice about how I felt.

Now, I don’t expect to convince anyone to follow in my footsteps. But it does make me happy to know that the activity that I’ve chosen to do more of this summer, meets the “smile test.”

Just when I think I have it all figured out, something comes along to give me even more insight into how the mind works. Recently, someone from my office joined the WWer meeting that I attend on Tuesdays. It upset me at first because I felt like I had to censor myself and not say anything bad about my office food environment. You see, I typically make at least one comment every meeting about how challenging I find it to be – either because I face the kitchen, or because of the candy jars everywhere, or because of the unhealthy habits of my coworkers. And suddenly I lost my ability to vent all of that angst.

But as I sat there on my hands today, not saying a word, I began to realize that really, all I’ve been doing is scapegoating other people. Blaming my (perceived) lack of progress on people who are around me and sabotaging my efforts. Lately I have especially been aggravated by two different colleagues – one of whom always runs up and says “oooooh, you have to tell me what you’re eating…WHAT IS THAT!?!?!” and the other is always coming over and offering me cookies, or bagels, or candy.

Today, as I listened to the meeting it started to be clear to me that the key to any progress I’m going to make isn’t going to be about what other people do. It’s going to be about what I do. No matter that it can be challenging to eat in a healthy way around some people and in some environments, the fact is, no one can truly “force me” to eat anything that I don’t want to.

Sigh. I guess I’ll have to “own” the process and make changes myself, without requiring other people to modify their behaviors. Seems so unfair.

But it seems realistic.

Pretty much every day I make myself a smoothie – a kind of weird, kind of wonderful concoction made of frozen fruit, ice, coffee, cinnamon and chocolate smoothie powder. If there’s any proof of the solidity of my marriage, it’s that Devin hasn’t walked out on me after hearing me turn on the hand-held blender and start grinding away for the 1,000th time. (He’s actually never complained once, despite the noise).

As a result, I actually WEAR OUT blenders. Sometimes the motor, sometimes the mechanical whirring parts. Occasionally both. In fact, I have to replace them about every 9-12 months.

Tonight, when I was starting in to blend up my evening smoothie, another one bit the dust!

The only thing Devin said was “don’t forget to bring the 20% off coupon when you go to the store to buy the new one.” And with that, he left for the tennis club.

The thing is, right now I have a really good spot on the street where I’ve parked my car, and as much as I wanted to buy that blender, I didn’t want to give up my space (prime real estate in my neighborhood). But I also know that Devin is playing tennis the next three nights, and I myself have kickboxing tomorrow, and a church study group on Wednesday. Unfortunately, that didn’t leave much of a window of opportunity.

So I decided to do what any smoothie-obsessed, weight management fanatic would do….

I rode my BIKE to the store.

Yeah, it was dark and foggy and yeah the shopping plaza is in a zone right off the freeway where traffic is thick, deep and fast. But an obsession is an obsession.

Funny thing, once I got to the store, I also decided I should seize the day and buy an anti-fatigue mat (also known as a chef’s mat). I have been meaning to get one for months, since I stand all day at work and lately my feet have been a little achy. I figured I might as well kill two birds with one stone.

Oddly enough, the mat (which comes rolled up) is really heavy and the box was pretty bulky. So squeezing the matt and the blender boxes into my bike’s pannier was no mean feat. Nor was riding in the traffic, in the dark, in the wind. Did I mention the fog?

All the same, I made it there and back in about a half hour – not much different than if I had driven. And the added benefit was that as I was drinking my smoothie, I could relish the fact that I burned off calories making it tonight.

Crazy?

Maybe. But you maintain weight your way, and I’ll maintain weight my way!

(Now….how am I going to get that mat to the office tomorrow….)

Guilt, rarely a useful emotion, literally drove me up a hill today!

You see, today was the San Francisco marathon. When I ran it (or at least the ½ marathon part) last year, it was the first time I’d ever actually signed up for a major race. It was fine and fun and all, but I didn’t feel like doing it again this year. Especially since Danielle and I are signed up for the Nike marathon in October.

But a few weeks ago a few people began to casually ask me if I was “ready for the marathon” and so I actually had to start informing some of my friends that I wasn’t planning on running it this time. No one made a fuss over this at all, but for some reason, a seed of guilt was planted that began to take root.

“I should have signed up. I’m so stupid.” “Last weekend I ran FARTHER than a half-marathon, so this would have been easy. I’m so lazy.” “My friends from church are running and I should have supported them by doing it too. Now they’ll think I’m a jerk.” And then, of course, my favorite bit of negative self-talk “Well, if I don’t sign up and run this year, then I’ll never run a marathon again, and in fact I will quit running altogether and then I’ll gain all my weight back and die a fat man.”

Nice, huh?

So much for two decades of therapy, right? At any rate, what I decided to do this morning to compensate for my guilt, was to design a challenging route that was hilly, rather than just long. I want to strengthen my legs, because they are almost unbearably sore from my gym workouts. So I picked out a pretty tough 8 mile loop, and convinced myself that I wasn’t actually going to go to hell for running less than 13.1 miles today.

In the event, the run wasn’t as tough as I’d imagined. There was, to be sure, a long slow climb for several miles, but I was able to keep breathing and running without too much difficulty.

So…long about mile 6 I thought “well, I should really run further than this, since I haven’t really worked out at all this morning.” I felt that adding a couple more miles at that point would assuage my guilt and give me something to feel good about. At which point I turned and ran up one of the longest, steepest hills ever!

Ay caramba!

By the time I got to the top I was panting, sweat was running down my face, and my dogs were barking! And darn it all, just like last year, the fog was so thick, I really couldn’t even appreciate the view.

At the same time, I have to admit that I felt pretty exhilarated and pretty darn proud. And it sure was nice to know that the rest of the run would be down hill.

This morning I did my official weigh-in for the month of August. Turns out I’m 3.8 pounds over my goal. Considering my feelings of not being very much in control lately, that was actually a decent number to see. There’s no reason, of course, that I can’t be actually AT my goal weight. I’ve been there before and it didn’t require starvation or marathon gym sessions. But four pounds is better than forty pounds, so I’ll take it.

This afternoon I went to get my eyes checked – something I’d been putting off for a while, but which I really wanted to do. So after I got back from WW ers, I grabbed Paco and we walked to this place where I’ve been getting my eyes checked there every other year since I moved to San Francisco.

The guy who did the exam in 2006 wasn’t working there anymore so I got a different optometrist. When I sat down in his chair and he pulled out the records from my last visit, he remarked “oh, you and I share the same vision.” I didn’t think much of that, but smiled and said “uh huh” and we went on with the exam.

Then he asked me about my glasses and I replied “oh, I don’t wear glasses.”

He looked surprised and said, “really?” And then he did a few more measurements (it’s all very machine-oriented these days) and quizzed me on a few eye charts, and finally said “you’d never pass at the DMV.”

“You’re near-sighted like me, which is a great thing in the modern era, because we spend so much time indoors and we can focus on things that are close like computer screens and reading material. But things that are distant, especially in dim light, are not going to be clear at all to you. For example, you need to wear glasses while driving at night.”

Now, I should stop here and point out that over the past 30 years, I’ve gotten my eyes checked regularly, and I’ve *always* heard one of two things. Either it’s a very cut and dry pronouncement “you’re vision is fine, you’re lucky, take care and don’t forget to pay on your way out.” Or alternately the kind of warning I just mentioned above.

So depending on who I listened to, I have either worn or not worn glasses. For the past 8 years or so, I’ve only run into the “your vision is fine” opinions, and so …no glasses.

Strangely, the way I feel about this is the way I feel about my goal weight.

By that, I mean that I can live a happy and normal life and be 3.8 pounds over my goal and experience good health and look good in my clothes. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Don’t forget to pay on your way out.

Alternately, I have been at (or below) my goal weight, and my clothes FIT much better, I look sensational naked (sorry), and I feel really good mentally about my strength and determination.

I honestly don’t think there’s a right or a wrong answer to either scenario. But I’ll tell you this much – I bought some REALLY expensive Armani glasses today.

Maybe it’s time to lose 3.8 pounds, as well.

On Thursdays I lead a weight loss meeting in the office building where I work, up on the 19th floor. Today was the last day of the series, and so we had a sort of open house for anyone who potentially might like to join for another round. In preparation, I got out my “before” picture and laid it down on a table where my flipcharts were. A member came up to check out some cookbooks on the table – when he saw my photo he picked it up and said “wow!” I smiled and talked to him a little about the fact that what I’m most proud of is that I’m no longer yo-yo-ing, but instead am keeping my weight stable.

He said “you must be so happy!”

That kind of shocked me. Fortunately, I have many years of experience of plastering a nice smile on my face, and so I simply nodded and said “um …yeah….exactly.”

It’s weird that I don’t exactly feel happy, but lately that just hasn’t been the case. I’m more focused on being seven pounds heavier than I want to be, rather than the fact that I’m still 45 pounds lighter than the “old” me. More than anything, I feel frustrated with myself and distressed at my lack of self-control. I know what works, but some part of me just isn’t all that engaged at the moment. Argh!

So “happy” didn’t really seem to fit.

But all the same, his comment stuck with me. After all, he offered it as an objective third party, whose entire knowledge of me comes from attending my meetings and seeing my before/after self. He didn’t have an agenda. He was just calling it like he saw it.

Well, today was a good, but very stressful day at work. So afterwards I decided to take the 90 minute cardio class at the gym and work out some of that angst. The class was especially grueling tonight, but for part of the time we paired up with another person, and so I actually thought it was kind of fun. It was nice to not be all alone in a crowd. And at one point she said to me, “I’m going to get a drink of water, but I’m coming back!”

Which made me think “okay, now there’s some peer pressure here – she announced she’s not quitting, so I guess I can’t either.” So even though I had given myself permission to leave early if I needed to. I kept glancing over at my skinny, fit friend and kept urging myself not to give up, since she wasn’t going to.

When all was said and done, I was really glad that I had taken the time to do such a strenuous workout. It relieved a sense of worry that I had been experiencing and it gave me a chance to be purely physical and not use my brain for a while.

And as I rode my bike home afterwards, I thought….. “Yeah. I’m happy.”

At my weight loss meeting tonight the members had a lively discussion about the various merits and drawbacks of using frozen entrees at mealtime. Some were in the camp that those kinds of products are too many calories for too little nutrition and satisfaction, preferring to make healthier meals from fresh ingredients. Others swore by reduced calorie frozen meals as time savers and because of their “known quantity” aspects – at least you have a nutrition label to go by.

I was happy just to be the facilitator and not interject my personal feelings, because I wanted to hear what different people had to say about the issue. I like to think that I’m smart enough to know I don’t have all the answers. It’s informative to hear about the pros and cons from someone else’s perspective.

“In the interests of full disclosure” (as they say), I practically LIVE on frozen entrees – having them for lunch almost every single day. At work, I feel they are the cheapest and healthiest alternative to fast food, and I figure at least I’m getting some kind of vegetables and some type of protein. Besides, when I make my lunch, it’s often kind of boring, because I don’t have much of a repertoire.

Probably the number one reason that I rely on frozen dinners is just that. I have such an intense dislike of cooking and food prep, that I spend as little time as I can pre-making foods to go. I do cut up fruit every morning for breakfast and I do make a beautiful and delicious salad for lunch every day. But that’s the extent of my culinary interest.

Your mileage may vary.

A while back I adopted a saying that “People only do two things – those that they have to do and those that they want to do. So if someone isn’t doing something, either they don’t really have to or they don’t really want to.” What I mean by that is when people say “I need to go to the gym more often” or (in the case of my coworkers), “I really want to lose 10 pounds” it’s often really about wishing, not wanting.

On a deeper level, right now I’m struggling with all of this as it relates to the work-life balance question. My new job is amazing and challenging and rewarding and fun, but it requires many more hours than I’m used to. Which leaves me with less time to do the other “want to’s” in my life.

Starting in September, I’ve agreed to be one of the co-leaders of the Education for Ministry class. Unfortunately it meets on the same night that I have my only weekday weight loss meeting. Last year, with my boring and undemanding government job, I was able to study for class while at the office, and then afterwards I could bike over to my meeting, and when that was done, I had JUST enough time to bike to church for class. It was tiring, but I enjoyed those days immensely because so much of it involved things I liked to do.

Unfortunately, it all hinged on my ability to leave work at 4:15.

As it happens, one of the great things about my new job is that my office is actually across the street from the weight loss meeting center. So in theory, I have a two minute commute and it should make my life easier. (In fact, when Richard became terminally ill, I took over as center coordinator because I figured my daily proximity would really be a boon.)

The reality, however, is that I’m lucky to be able to leave work at 5 p.m. (most days it’s closer to 6) and so this summer I’ve been late again and again to my meeting. Or else I’ve been on time because I left things unfinished at the office. And then I’d go back to work after the meeting to finish up.

As September and the start of class approaches, I’m thinking this whole Work-Meeting-Class thing just isn’t going to work this time around. I’m going to have to make a decision. Either I figure out a way to work less, or else I’m going to have to choose between the meeting and school. Since all three of these activities are incredibly rewarding to me, this is a real tough decision.

What do I have to do? What do I want to do?

The gym was really crowded tonight, which was tough because I wasn’t feeling all that motivated in the first place. I talked myself into going, because I haven’t done any strength training in weeks. Most evenings I just convince myself I’m too tired, but today I reminded myself that usually once I get over the hump of just going, I enjoy myself.

But tonight every other club member in San Francisco must have thought the same thing. The locker room was packed, the cardio machines were all taken, and the weights and weight machines were all being heavily used. Any time I found a piece of free equipment, it seemed someone else was standing by tapping their feet until I was finished.

So it’s true that once I got there, I realized I wasn’t all that tired. But it was a struggle to get in a workout because I wasn’t in the mood to be creative. I mostly just wanted to do my same old routine which was impossible due to the number of people around.

Riding my bike home I was thinking about this –when I wasn’t busy trying avoid getting hit by that guy in the green van talking on his cell phone (so much for that new law). For an extremely long time I went to the gym because I was motivated to build muscle. It was a really important part of my self-definition. It got me to the gym many mornings and nights when I easily could have been doing something else. I was driven by the idea that if I worked out, I’d be muscular.

Never mind that it didn’t really change my physique all that much, the motivation was still there!

Now that I’m older, wiser, and a bit less energetic, I’m not all that interested in muscle-building. I can tell by looking at myself in the mirror that I’m not quite as toned as I used to be. But other than bringing me a moment of nostalgia, thinking back on my old gym-going days doesn’t really do much for me. That motivation just isn’t there.

Given this, it’s time for me to work up something new and different. I’m not sure if I would find motivation in a book or in a trainer. But if I’m going to keep my gym habit alive (and surely it’s a good habit), I want to find something that makes me desire to go. After all, I don’t think guilt will get me very far.

Now in my personal experience, weight training hasn’t been all that effective for weight loss, and since I’m trying to lose weight right now, that might be one of the de-motivators. (Why bother to expend all that energy and not see results on the scale?) But I also know from experience (and from what I’ve read, and from what others have told me about themselves), is that regular resistance training in something that most weight-maintainers do. Cardiovascular health isn’t enough. There’s something about lifting weights that keeps people fit and trim.

So, I guess I have my work cut out for me.

(Let me know when all of this is gonna get easier!)

I live in a beautiful condo in a great city and have a pretty fantastic life. But there are many ways in which my life is very inconvenient. For starters, we live on the third floor of an elevator-less building. Walk the dog? Down two flights, back up two flights. Laundry? Down and Up and Down and Up, etc. (depending on the number of loads and whether the machines are already in use, sometimes six or more times).

We live about a third of a mile from the grocery store. It’s nice to walk there. Sometimes. But when I’m tired? Or it’s raining? Or I’m pressed for time? Or I don’t feel like walking up and down hills? Well, there’s always driving, but first I have to find where I parked my car, and then I have to hope that there’s still parking at the supermarket, and then (worst of all) when I get home, I have to hope that I can find a parking space that’s within three blocks of the house.

Oh, and then there’s that schlepping up the stairs.

Along those same lines, it’s only three (long) blocks to the dry cleaners. So convenient. But it’s very windy along the way, and so walking with the plastic whipping around in the wind can be a challenge. And those hangers can start to dig into your palms. And then there’s the hill factor.

Oh, let’s not forget, once I get home, there’s the schlepping up the stairs.

We also live super close to the symphony, not far from the main library, and within reasonable walking distance of the streetcar. But whether walking or riding my bike, on the trip home there’s always those two long, steep, hilly blocks up to the condo. Even as healthy as I am, I am always winded by the time I reach the front door.

And then? The stairs.

I remember when I lived in suburbia for a year, how much more “convenient” everything was. Of course, nothing (absolutely NOTHING) was within walking distance, but it didn’t matter. I could drive to the market, drive to the dry cleaners, drive to the bank, or the movies, or the mall, or whatever. There was usually tons of parking wherever I went, and of course when I got home I drove right up my own driveway and into my own two-car garage. (I think my bicycle was stored in there, but I don’t recall ever using it. Even once).

I spent endless hours in my car. So I learned to find all of those fast-food places to buy smoothies, or burritos, or chinese food (all of which had easy-in, easy-out parking, of course). Because I didn’t want to have to be bothered with driving all the way home to make something to eat. Especially since no matter WHAT I was doing, it would involve getting back in the car and driving again. That year, I even drove to work – a mile and a half, no hills.

It’s not surprising to me, though, that when I lived in suburbia, my weight broke 200 pounds for the first time in my life. Despite my gym membership, nothing could counteract all of that time in thecar. Or the fast food. I was a living, breathing car-potato.

Now in San Francisco, even when I’m at my “worst” with eating and even when I’m not making it regularly to the gym, everything I do all day long requires physical movement. I even CHOOSE to stand at work, rather than sit. Every single one of those inconvenient steps is something that contributes to my overall health and longevity. And when I’m eating right, all of those little steps add up to weight maintenance as well.

So, yes, there are times when I wish I could just hop in the car, drive somewhere, hop out and be exactly where I want to be. But the fact is, it’s a lot more convenient to be fat, and a lot more inconvenient to be thin.

In the long run, I’ll take inconvenience.